Sex and Friends.

A while back those two words would not be conjunctive for me.

Compatibility. Companionship. Communication.

These have been things I need in any partnership or friendship. Any sexual partner of mine would be a goal digging friend. For months I didn’t need the disconnection of casual sex.

This differs from “friends with benefits”. How? Instead of having casual sex with a friend. Friendship and sex are different investments into the polyamorous relationships by my partners. The thin line of difference is the defined commitment of a romantic relationship that isn’t just sexual. I don’t know if I’d want to change this in months to come. However, I don’t feel comfortable having casual sex with my friends. I try as much as possible not to. Most times, in a budding friendship friends come to a stage where they decide to or not to pursue developing feelings of care and admiration along romantic or sexual lines. If the friendship is foundation of a partnership, fine.

Friends and sex talk. Most females have members of the Girl Squad or male friends they give juicy recaps of sexapades. Some lesson I have learnt so far: Don’t kiss and tell. No slut or body shaming of my male sexual partners. If I have an issue with a partner I tell them before I confide in a friend or our mutual friend. Often times, some friends may and can betray your confidence maliciously or unintentionally. Or your friend might think it’s inappropriate talk but not have the heart to dissuade excited you. If and when seeking advice I open up to mature sexually active females or males who haven’t betrayed my confidence. These days there are social media platforms for relationship advice where one can anonymously seek advice from thousands of people. The danger with that is too many people with different values will give their opinions and advice from their point of views.



Nudity and Pornography isn’t apt.

Nudes. Sextapes. Fellatio. Sex-uationships.

Much better!

Nudes and Sextapes.

Someone else calling me Queen of Traps made my soft cheeks jiggle with laughter. Traps and Nudes, what’s the difference?  A few pieces of clothing. Traps are sultry lingerie pictures that entice the imagination. I don’t like the name ‘trap’. I feel the slang removes the beauty from erotic pictures. Nudes, on the other hand are erotic pictures that show glorious naked curves, folds, etc through a picture. Traps and Nudes take confidence, time, patience and skill to take. It took me a while to know the best angle to capture my butt when wearing a thong. Playing around in your underwear and with a camera will teach you a lot of things. Body positivity and confidence are two important states of mind for taking nudes or making a sextape. It takes time especially when a person has negative body image to get body positive. But that’s another diary entry. I say, I am stunningly beautiful as I am, every morning after dawn prayers.

Here are my rules about nudes and sextapes. A. I don’t send or make them when I don’t feel comfortable, body positive or just don’t want to. B. I don’t include my face in shots. C. Not to send nudes to someone I don’t trust or have access to their gadgets. I prefer lingerie shot actually. D. Not send nudes after random requests. You know those, you guys have nice chats and a few calls (audio and video). Then next thing, ‘Send me nudes’. It’s a NO! “If we get to the we-can-have-sex level you might see the real honey pot”, I always say.

Nudes are not a currency to buy intimacy or stability in a relationship.

The above can be an issue in long distance relationships or sexting. I had a strict No Filming Sextapes policy. I still do. But I mean, it was fun filming a few. Nothing beats thinking you are recording then discovering you only captured minutes of the bedsheets, ceiling and moans. I did film a few ones and deleted them from the videos folder and 30days delete storage. There were two I found difficult deleting. I mean they captured beauty, pleasure, intimacy and sexy sex! But they had to go. My point is if I’m not comfortable with it, NOPE. If I can’t have access to destroying it, NO. No one below the age of 18 should be making sextapes or nude videos. The Nigerian law recognises it’s as a punishable crime, child pornography. In situations where you are being blackmailed about your nudes or sextapes seriously talk to a lawyer. Blackmailing is a punishable offence regardless of its subject matter. Be courageous and smart.

If the sextape is something you won’t mind your colleagues or family members seeing, make it. If not, destroy it after making it. Either way, own your thing.


Fellatio aka Blowjobs.

This isn’t a guide on how to give a blowjob. It’s a wonderful recollection at most. I have tried many things. Next to kink, oral sex is my favourite. I feel penetrative sex is overrated. *Inner voice* it wasn’t overrated when he hoisted you up on the kitchen countertop. With your fumbling fingers, ravenous kisses, muffled moans and his heated fluid thrusts almost poured away my delicious turkey stew. Oral sex is just *lustful sigh, awesome. When someone is able to lick my honey pot like a champ.. Nibble my clit the toe curling way.. Hmmm. That’s all. .

Sometimes I just want to get pleasure from watching someone else receive pleasure. That evening was one of those times. After his arrival we caught up by talking and laughing. Receiving a gift made me smile. While he had his bath I relaxed with a cup of water. Soft and smooth skin is mostly from hydration. More talking ensued till I kissed him. Our lips kept meeting while my hand snaked to feel his bulge. I wanted more. Our fingers went to his shorts and I withdrew my fingers. Carefully I unzipped my bum-shorts, wiggled my wide hips out and pulled my Bralet off. I left on my waist beads draped over my voluptuous butt cheeks and a crisp, pristine white thong. Under the slowly blinking red and blue lights of my headband his chocolately, brown penis jutted out. Are you comfortable? I asked with a passion laced voice.  After he said he was comfortable and okay with a blow job.

Consent is key.

I got comfortable in a crouch in between his legs. I started with a kiss to the head of the penis. My tongue licked the right side from its base upwards. Little teasing helped know how response or anxious the penis is. Then I gently held the base of his penis and slowly took his penis into my warm mouth. While my mouth went up and down its length my tongue swirled around the head. Occasionally I gagged intentionally on the penis. Helps with esteem I heard. As an expert at giving oral pleasure I know the angles of my throat to put the long penis into without gagging. Now and again I’d look up through dainty eyelashes and see the red light from my massive Minnie Mouse bow illuminate his orgasmic facial expressions. Then blink the room dark. Then blue. With each blink I’d change my tongue swirl direction, tempo and worship. Now not to over work or numb my jaw I’d give feather light kisses from the top of his penis to his belly button. My lips retraced their moist stamps back to licking and  swirling some minutes later. I let his hand leave my breast to my afro and guide my tempo for a while. Other times I just love up his scrotum sacs, wet licks, gentle sucking and light massaging. I note each shudder, moan and sigh that make me feel delighted and aroused. My left hand left the base of his penis to rub slow circles round his nipple while my warm mouth goes further down his erect lengths. I’d change hands so I can touch his other nipple like a watercolor artist. When the chocolately goodness between my lips spilled hot white multivitamins, proteins, DNA I swallowed it gracefully. Increasing my tempo till he was spent and finally flaccid. The blue blink showed the smile on my face as I knelt before him. With my slightly semen flavoured lips I kissed him goodnight.



“If you are sliding into someone’s direct message (‘dm’) for a fuck. You must say. Of you are sliding in to be a side chick you must say. If you are sliding into the dm to ask people to apply to be a side person, let them know!” HOLAAfrica: Are you being real about your sex-utationships?

We are two years away from Millennia 2020 and some peeps ‘just want to be your friend’. Then give inappropriate comments about your slay pictures or send unsolicited dick pics. I’m rolling my eyes and pressing BLOCK. Do not get me started on the double standard. How guys want sexually free women but use that to slut shame sexually free women. Or how some women are tired of shitty relationship offers but won’t ask for what they want. But slut shame women living their dream sex lives.

Define your sex-utationhip. Will you guys go out on a date before sex? Do you want the other person to check up on you on days you aren’t together? Can you guys have other partners? What type of sexual protection will constantly be used? Have you guys discussed unwanted pregnancy? Do you know their HIV/AIDS status? Are you a side person? Define it all with the soon-to-be partner. Change terms as the sex-utationhip progresses.

Forget labels and don’t sell dreams. I have seen the phenomenon too much in the Lagos dating scene. On one hand are the peeps who want to see where it leads but also want to be in your pants. No. Define it. Some know what they want. Oftentimes it might not suit my needs, wants or criteria. Then there are those who give you the package just because the want sex. Packages of dreams. Dreams of marriage, #relationshipgoals relationships, you-are-the-only-one, baby I love you, etc. I see through this half the time because I know what I want. I remember a guy who claimed he wanted a serious thing before he relocated abroad. Am I dumb or am I dumb? He was selling the package of ‘serious thing’. Dreams!

Stay woke

As a polyamorous young woman in Nigeria defining sex-utationhips to potential partners can confuse some. Some not all. But I don’t let that deter me. I state the purpose of the sex-utationship, the benefits we are to gain, our roles and boundaries. There is someone for everyone, as the saying goes.


DEPARTURE by Roman Oriogun

I came across these poems on Brittle Paper while on a bus ride. I remember the poet’s name from the 14:We are Flowers Anthology I read last year. I enjoyed Departure. My heart aches with each line and smiled with others.

“i was born to be darkness hiding under a cave

& i know the weight of exile in a body”.

The first poem called Departure artistically narrates being queer in a dangerous and unaccepting place and painful departure of lovers to better places. It paints the experience of being gay in Nigeria where it is illegal and punishable by imprisonment or death by a mob. The poems are informal using imagery, repition, first person and stream of consciousness narrative techniques. These all make me love the poems.

“The streets hum with voices,

vehicles run into the rising sun,”

The above lines are an example from the second singing poem, Kumbaya. The last poem Saddest Night Alive, also narrates a tale of a distraught lover, fragile love, longing and nightmares of being killed.

“I’m learning how to live with this fear of not finding love”. 

I can say the above sentence is one that echoes a fear of mine. Why is it so difficult to find someone to genuinely love me for more than a minute?

Click the Brittle Paper link to read the poem. Share your thoughts on longing for love from a departing lover.


How do I set a dick appointment?

I usually need a few things in scheduling the dick appointment;

  • Sexual desire
  • My period calendar
  • My updated work/school schedule or calendar.
  • Bought choice of contraception
  • My recent STI, STD and HIV test results.
  • List of potential sexual partners names and their contacts.

Firstly, I ask “do I really want to have sex?” Next question would be “can I?” If I’m abstaining or ill. I can’t have sex. If its ‘yes’ to both questions. I use my period calendar to pick dates that aren’t on my fertile week (which includes my ovulation date) and menstruation days. To make sure I can have sex on those dates I cross check my work and school schedules. Its not fun rushing out the morning after from another state to an 11am Saturday semester test. Neither is it cute being tired the next day at work because of poor dick appointment scheduling. Once I have a few convienent dates I note them as D.A days on my calendar.

My sexual health is a priority of mine. Having sex safe from sexually transmitted infections, diseases or even unwanted pregnancies is paramount. I have a medicine bag filled with contraceptives I use. Oral contraceptives, female condoms, emergency contraceptives and a variety of lubes.

‘Your sexual health is your responsibility’, my mother always told me.

I’m trying to say you should have your own contraceptives. Male condoms do fail. Plus using contraceptives with condoms(female or male) increases protection and prevention rates to 97%. After buying or bringing out my unexpired contraceptives. I check my recent STI, STD and HIV/AIDS tests. If they are still relevant, its a go. HIV/AIDS test results aren’t relevant 3 months afterwards. If I just finished medication for an infection I test again.


I want to have sex. I can. I’m prepared to safely have it. Its time to decide which whose D I want.

**Insert** list of potential sexual partners. Potential sexual partners can be a new guy, the usually casual sex partners, the boyfriend, reappearing old lovers, partners, etc. Anyone I’m comfortable having sex with. Persons who have communicated their desire to have sex with me recently. The list is made up of legally aged males, unmarried men, men free from STIs, STDs and HIV/AIDS, men who use condoms, men whom I have defined relationships with. Updating my list regularly helps me remove persons I have had unenjoyable, unsafe, uncomfortable experiences with.

Don’t play yourself.

Final step is asking each contact I want if they are available for a date with me. I state I would like to have sex with them afterwards. Then I request for their STI, STD and HIV tests results. Nothing happens till I see these. Not every guy will be available. If more than one is available. I schedule the least persons I want to see to later D.A marked days on my calendar with 24hrs reminders. Confirm the dick appointment before you prepare for it or leave for the venue.

All that is left is to prepare. Planning sex may not be as fun as being spontaneous. However it is important. Especially as a young female professional or student trying to maintain healthy sex life.


Oral Orders

Why do people say ‘I have loved you since the first time I saw you?’ I have often asked myself whenever I come across declarations of love.
Maybe it because they later realise the unexplainable, magnetic feeling at the first moment was love.
I can say I have never felt that type of love. Lust. Definitely. But not love at first sight.

The one. There is no one ‘the one’. That is something I’ve learnt. Me. Mad love. Men? Maybe. I have found the one twice. Thrice. Five times actually. Certainty assures me I’m going to meet more. Each love was different and with some it wasn’t even love.
The one is a list of qualities in a person compatible enough to create wanted memories.
Having sex with a partner you are in love with. I find this type of sex too heightened, self conscious. Moving, slow. Often clumsy but loving. Sex when you’re in love is better, they say.

Sensually heaving above straddled slimmer hips while depressed is invigorating. It reveals empty sadness and a feel good activity tumbling in bed. I usually stay off sex during bouts of depression. “I’m unwell” I say. Other times I utilise the admiration, comfort, companionship to help my ill self.
Darts, licks and nibbling by tongues inject my lost mind with vigor and brief life. These are the times I’m your dream casual sex partner or withdrawn lover. No post coitus showers together. My usually dancing naked figure will quietly dress up and leave. Cuddling is unwanted. Depression wants you to make me feel good but I doubt the genuinity of your care.

Even though the happy and sad emotional extremes shape my sexual experience. My favourite is right in the middle. When I’m content, healthy and with someone new.
Newness is so intoxicating.
Its a time to explore, discover, observe, experiment. I’m referring to the first time or first three times. A humbling moment of realization, you have been accepted.
Newness is exhilarating. There is a pleasure I get from reading a resolved plot or receiving alerts about returns from investments. Being with someone new is a sensual overload of learning, pleasure, anxiousness and excitment. Using my gaze to follow their nakedness being unwrapped for the first time is…is…it just is! Is indescribable.

Its why I no longer bother to remember my body count. A male friend says, “its a reason why men cheat”.

Fuck the sex. Its the beauty of witnessing the unveiling of the free black form in all it’s melaninated curved glory. Beauty? Its the mundane process of getting to know this potential lover. This unveiling being maybe the only way you desire to know them. Of seeing the world through their eyes. Regardless of how brief it might be. Drop mind explorations. Its the primal grinding, sweating, clasping, licking, pumping of black magical beings. The thrill of being yet again another self of you.  Though that first time isn’t always the best experience.

If I have learnt anything about sexual experience and mental states.
I have learnt..
Sex. The activity, its biology or social implications aside. Its different emotions help shape its enjoyment. As such sex can be disconstructed to these feelings. If you can’t identify what you need. Your want of companionship from a casual sex partner will ruin your chances of toe curling oral oragsms from them. For example.
Or you’ll find yourself fanning the yellow flames of an invigorating affair while in loving relationship.

In whatever mental or emotional state I am submerged in. I promise to identify what I want my sexual experience to satisfy. I must be unshamed being in these states.